Will we be safer? Ker­ry starts out unsure. He’s glad to be in Ari­zona. Ah, he thinks we should be, but aren’t. “I can guar­an­tee that I’ll do a bet­ter job hunt­ing down ter­ror­ists. Just like Ted­dy Roo­sevelt and Ronald Reagan.”

Bush: “I have a com­pre­hen­sive plan. We’ll spread free­dom.” This is trick­le down anti-terrorism.

Ker­ry: “Bush does­n’t care where Osama is.”

Bush: “Ker­ry is an exag­ger­a­tor. He wants to use intel­li­gence, I think that’s dangerous.”

Where is the flu vaccine?

Bush: “We did­n’t want con­t­a­m­i­nat­ed British drugs, so we’re import­ing drugs from third-world coun­tries like Cana­da. I’m vul­ner­a­ble to the flu, and it’s all because of law­suits.” What? Lawsuits?

Ker­ry: “Bush has made us sick­er. We don’t have flu vac­cine because of bad health insur­ance.” Umm… “The prob­lem is that we don’t have good health insur­ance.” No, the prob­lem is that the man­u­fac­tur­ers did­n’t make enough vac­cine.
Bush is Blinky McFlipFlop.

Bush: “A plan is not a litany of com­plaints.” No, but it might be a response to problems.

Ker­ry: “We’re gonna pay for what we do, first by tax­ing the very rich. Bush has nev­er vetoed a spend­ing bill.”

Bush lies for 90 seconds.

Vot­er: “Why was my job sent to India?”
Bush: “Pub­lic schools suck.”
Ker­ry: “I’m folksy. Tony Sopra­no is a guy I talk to. Plus they cut unem­ploy­ment, retrain­ing, Pell grants…”

Some­how, both guys seem off. Maybe Bush’s attacks and lies aren’t aimed at me, but Ker­ry seems calm too.

Bush is rip­ping Ker­ry, I think it’ll back­fire, but who’s to say.

Sheaf­fer: Is homo­sex­u­al­i­ty a choice?
Bush: “I don’t know, but I don’t like gays. Amend­ing the Con­sti­tu­tion to take away rights from the peo­ple is demo­c­ra­t­ic.”
Ker­ry: “We’re all God’s chil­dren. Dick Cheney’s daugh­ter is gay.” Ker­ry is com­pas­sion­ate. “…as God made them.” We should­n’t dis­crim­i­nate against peo­ple for who they are.

Why does Ker­ry do “The Robot” with his hands?

Sheaf­fer: “Is it a sin for a Catholic to vote for you?”
Ker­ry: “No. I’m a reli­gious man. I’m not run­ning to be a Catholic pres­i­dent, I’m run­ning to be pres­i­dent. ‘A faith with­out deeds is not faith at all.’ I work from my faith, fight­ing pover­ty, etc.”
Bush: “Yes. Abor­tion is evil, and Ker­ry is a sinner.”

Bush: “The bug­gy and horse days” putting the cart before the horse.

Bush: “I came to Wash­ing­ton deeply con­cerned about pre­scrip­tion drug costs, which is why my reforms will kick in two years from now.”
Ker­ry: “Bush is a big fat liar.”

Ker­ry: “I have my shit down. My plan is detailed and bril­liant.”
Bush: “I make shit up. Increas­ing Med­ic­aid will decrease health care, because …”

Sheaf­fer: “Social Secu­ri­ty is run­ning out of mon­ey.” No. Social Secu­ri­ty is OK for 50 years.
Bush: “Seniors, don’t wor­ry, you’ll get your mon­ey. We’ll just take it from the young folks.”
Ker­ry: “Bush will destroy us all. I’ll fix things with­out cut­ting benefits.”

Ker­ry: “Lots of peo­ple have had wars, reces­sions, etc., with­out the prob­lems we have today.”
Bush: “Tax cuts have saved us from a recession.”

Immi­gra­tion?
Bush: “I’m for all things to all peo­ple, but most­ly for an under­class of immi­grants.”
Ker­ry: “Mid­dle class fam­i­lies are get­ting ham­mered. I’m sor­ry, did you ask about immi­gra­tion? Well, we’ll have a guest pro­gram, an earned legal­iza­tion pro­gram for peo­ple whose chil­dren are cit­i­zens, and bet­ter bio­met­ric non­sense at the bor­ders. Mid­dle east­ern peo­ple are com­ing across the border.”

High­er min­i­mum wage?
Ker­ry: “YES. Repub­li­cans won’t let us even vote on it. The min­i­mum wage has the low­est earn­ing pow­er in 50 years.” “Peo­ple who play for the Amer­i­can dream.”
Bush: “The min­i­mum wage does­n’t mat­ter. No Child Left Behind is what matters.”

Will you over­turn Roe v. Wade?
Bush: “No lit­mus test.”
Ker­ry: “I won’t appoint a judge who would over­turn our Con­sti­tu­tion­al rights. The pres­i­dent won’t answer, so maybe he wants to over­turn it. As for edu­ca­tion, the pres­i­den­t’s plan sucks.”

Back­door draft?
Ker­ry: “Bad news. We need a larg­er army. We need an alliance that’s strong.”
Bush: “Booga-booga, glob­al test.”
Ker­ry: “Trust your guts.”
Bush: “Ker­ry opposed the first Gulf War. No one can pass the test, that’s why Ker­ry vot­ed to autho­rize force.”

Assault weapons?
Bush: “It’s all the fault of Democ­rats. They held up the Assault Weapons Ban. We need to enforce our laws.”
Ker­ry: “It was a fail­ure of the pres­i­dent. I loves me my guns. But I’m also a for­mer pros­e­cu­tor. Law enforce­ment want­ed that ban, and now ter­ror­ists can buy guns, and cops are going into more dan­ger­ous places because of the pres­i­den­t’s failure.”

Affir­ma­tive action?
Ker­ry: “It’s unfor­tu­nate­ly nec­es­sary. This admin­is­tra­tion has under­mined pro­grams that help African-Amer­i­cans. There’s still dis­crim­i­na­tion. Bush does­n’t talk to minor­i­ty groups.”
Bush: “Pell grants will solve all of the problems.”

What the hell is up? Did he decide that edu­ca­tion would get him secu­ri­ty moms?

Bush: “We should unbun­dle con­tracts.” Just not for Halliburton.

What role for faith?
Bush: “I pray a lot. Athe­ists are Amer­i­cans too. Also Jews and Mus­lims. Espe­cial­ly Chris­tians, though. Pres­i­den­tial prayer teams rock. We’ve unleashed armies of com­pas­sion to help cure the lep­ers. Afghanistan’s free­dom is a gift from the Almighty.”
Ker­ry: “I respect all that crap he just spewed. Every­thing is a gift from the Almighty. But we have work to do to ful­fill our faith. Our schools are too poor for poor folks.”

How will you uni­fy the coun­try?
Ker­ry: “Bush did great at uni­fy­ing us all. But things went down­hill. I’ll have open, inclu­sive gov­ern­ment. I’ll work with John McCain on reform cam­paign finance.”
Bush: “In Texas, the Democ­rats rolled over, but in DC, they’ve stood up for them­selves. McCain loves me because I can win in Iraq.”

What have we learned from strong women?
Bush: “Good pos­ture. It was love at first sight.”
Ker­ry: “I love my mom, I love my wife. My fam­i­ly won’t let me get too big headed.”

Ker­ry strikes a pres­i­den­tial tone in his clos­ing.
Bush is folksy. It’s morn­ing in America.