First, People’s Front for Horse Humping released a videotape of a hostage, Pennsylvania state representative Arthur Hershey:
Hershey said this week that without the bill [defining marriage just-so], “down the road, people will want to marry their dogs and horses to get benefits.”
Federal officials insisted that they do not negotiate with terrorists, but secret shipments of fine-looking horses were seen being shipped down rural Pennsylvania roads.
The International Brush Jihad also sent a communique. Referring to President Bush as a “butcher,” they demanded that all mechanical saws be withdrawn from their holy land in Crawford, Texas immediately, followed by a staged withdrawal of digging, pulling and cutting implements. Noting that since Brush leader Whezt Urn-rhad Zhedar had offered a truce, many innocent shrubberies had been destroyed by “the butcher of Washington,” second-in-command Krae Ozoat promised attacks throughout the American homeland very soon.
Zhedar taunted the President, saying “Butcher of Washington, you are not only defeated and a liar, but also a failure. You are a curse on your own nation.”
He asked, “Bush, do you know where I am?“
The White House could not issue a response, since the President was at his ranch. Officials acknowledge that an unusually warm winter may well have given the extremists opportunities to expand and to dig in, but note that the president has spent 20% of his time in office in Crawford, “smokin’ out the enemy.” One official who spoke on condition of anonymity tells us that the president considers it his first priority to bring this wild bunch to justice.