The BEAST lists all 50 “Most Loathsome People in America. There are some obvious choices, but these are some unexpected or particularly well-phrased entries:
47. Michael Musto
Charges: A friendly bacteria in America’s bloated entertainment entrails, giving vicarious life to that big brown celebrity baby we all waste countless hours coddling. Melon the size of an Olmec statue, yet not clever enough to elicit more than groans with his overwrought, nervous delivery of painfully unfunny puns. Motivated by transparent jealousy. Adds nothing in the way of meaningful criticism or analysis. Only serves to further propagate dysfunctional celebrity worship in our strangely hollow culture. Fond of wearing Cosby sweaters, which should only be worn by Cosby. Worst thing that’s ever happened to Keith Olbermann.
Exhibit A: In the subtitle to his latest book, Musto declares himself “The world’s most outrageous columnist.” Appears to think “outrageous” means “gay.”
Sentence: Unbearable testicle cramps every time he thinks the word “TomKat.”
46. James Carville
Charges: This unholy cross between Batboy and Terry Bradshaw has been vastly overrated as a political strategist based on the fact that he managed to win with the most charismatic Democratic candidate of the post-war era and a split conservative vote. In ‘06, Carville raged against his own obsolescence by blasting Howard Dean’s competence as Chairman of the DNC—immediately after Dean steered the party into majorities in both houses of congress as well as state legislatures and governors.
Exhibit A: Carville’s marriage to Republican uber-hag strategist Mary Matalin is the perfect symbol of the cynical two-party symbiosis, an open conspiracy which has robbed Americans of true democracy for decades. If he really gave a shit about politics, he would have strangled her years ago.
Sentence: Slow death by Polonium 210, administered by his wife.
38. Carlos Mencia
Charges: A German-Honduran who pretends to be Mexican so he can engage in jovial slurs about “beaners” and “wetbacks.” Repeatedly says “what?” and “no, I’m serious!” during his stand up routines, as if his audience is blown away by his tiresome retreading of age-old ethnic and gender clichés and his bellowing one-note delivery. Imagines himself to be some kind of envelope-pushing genius despite the fact that his entire body of work is a series of variations on the hackneyed “white guys do this, black guys do this” routine that has launched a thousand careers in stand-up mediocrity. What’s that you say, Carlos? Asians can’t drive? Gee, we’ve never heard that before. A well-known joke thief, Mencia can’t even write his own shitty, hackneyed material.
Exhibit A: Actual name is Ned Holness.
Sentence: Deported to Mexico.
29. Jesus Christ
Charges: May not have existed, and if he did, probably wasn’t even American, but more of a dark-hued Jewish dwarf. A hygienically challenged hairball who rarely bathed or brushed his teeth. If alive today, he’d appropriately be branded as schizophrenic and disregarded by society. Sermon on the Mount was the very definition of socialism, and subsequently an affront to the self-regulating benevolence of the free market. An appeasing, cheek-turning pussy like this would never cut the mustard in America today.
Exhibit A: Contrary to prevailing pop theology, absolutely everyone, including the sheepishly devout, will be “left behind” at the apocalypse and forced to endure what biblical scholars estimate to be from 3 to 7 years of “hell on earth” before scoring that golden bus ticket to the gated community in the sky. Kind of a dick move, no?
Sentence: Second coming completely ignored, as it happens to coincide with Brangelina’s wedding.
27. Suri Cruise
Charges: Terrible motor control. Deficient, tiny neck can’t even support the weight of her own head. Unable to fathom the causal nature of the universe, or any other remedial concepts for that matter, beyond vague urges of biology. Doesn’t speak English, as her brain is physically incapable of constructing the compound ideas that are prerequisite to language. Can’t even manage her own bowel movements. Relies on Scientologists to handle nearly all of her affairs. Snubbed Katie Holmes’ pert nipples, preferring L. Ron Hubbard’s newborn barely formula and the subsequent risk of botulism. Not what we’d have done—for health reasons, of course. Airbrushed to look like human Yoda on the cover of Vanity Fair. Inexplicably “spits up” without warning or apology. But don’t be fooled: it’s not “spit;” it’s actually puke.
Exhibit A: That smell!
Sentence: Raised by a latent homosexual and a brain-washed starlet, infant botulism, eaten alive on Pay-Per-View by Michael Musto.
19. Steven Milloy
Charges: It’s a pretty fucked up world in which a falsified memoir of drug addiction can spark widespread outrage, but a lawyer and registered lobbyist posing as a science expert can take money from Exxon Mobil and Phillip Morris to spread blatant lies without repercussion. Milloy, writing under the ironically accurate title of “junk science expert” for foxnews.com and at his own website, junkscience.com, is in the business of dismissing any and all alarming scientific studies about, well, anything—global warming, secondhand smoke, livestock diseases, pollution, insecticides, guns—employing statistical sleight of hand and relying on the ignorance of his readers. Like fictional “climate expert” Michael Crichton, Milloy warns us against evil “environmental extremists” who deliberately trick us into fearing global warming just to increase their funding. The theory seems a little shaky, considering that there’s a lot more to be made lying for oil, tobacco and chemical firms like Milloy.
Exhibit A: Three days after 9/11, Milloy took the opportunity to argue that the buildings collapsed because of asbestos regulation.
Sentence: Fed alive to emaciated polar bears.
Charges: Your whole life has been a pitiful exercise in rote mimicry, a meek subjugation of individuality in exchange for herd approval. Your delusions of “common sense” wisdom stem from an unwillingness to seek information and an inability to critically analyze it. You never hesitate to offer strong opinions on subjects you don’t know a damn thing about. You’re willing to believe anything a guy in a suit says on TV, as long as it doesn’t hint at your culpability in the negligent homicide of your country and planet or otherwise cloud your streak-free conscience. You’re more worried about friction on the “Desperate Housewives” set than the lack of health coverage at your tedious, soul-destroying job. You have no idea what is going on in the world, and you’re fine with that. You are why democracy doesn’t work.
Exhibit A: You’re Time magazine’s person of the year. So was Hitler.
Sentence: More of the same.
You’ll have to click through to find out who wins.